Funny quotations

Page 3

◆ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeneres99

◆ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

- Bill Cosby99

◆ Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

- Benjamin Franklin99

◆ I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

- Rodney Dangerfield99

◆ I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

- Elayne Boosler99

◆ Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

- Mark Twain99

◆ Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

- Mae West99

◆ As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

- Buddy Hackett99

◆ Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

- George Carlin99

◆ Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

- Anthony Burgess99

◆ I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

- Rodney Dangerfield99

◆ Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

- Oscar Levant99

◆ If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

- Laurence J. Peter99

◆ For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post updates on who they stalk.

- 99

◆ Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.

- 99