Funny quotes

Page 1

◆ Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Robin Williams101

◆ Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

- Margaret Mead100

◆ Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.

- Marilyn Monroe100

◆ If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

- Cassandra Clare100

◆ A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

- Sam Ewing100

◆ The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

- Robert Paul99

◆ Parent: What did you learn today? Student: Apparently not enough! We have to go back tomorrow!

- 99

◆ Before sex.. you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.

- 99

◆ When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

- 99

◆ Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!

- 99

◆ If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

- 99

◆ Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

- 99

◆ I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke.

- Charlie Sheen99

◆ A lion wouldn't cheat, but a tiger wood.

- 99

◆ Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

- Sharon Stone99