Comedy quotations

Page 3

◆ Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

- Steve Martin99

◆ I'm standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.

- Amelia Atwater-Rhodes99

◆ And I must draft an advertisement for the Daily Prophet, too,' he added thoughtfully. 'We'll be needing a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.... Dear me, we do seem to run through them, don't we?

- J.K. Rowling99

◆ As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.

- Lao Tzu99

◆ My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

- Chelsea Handler99

◆ I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news ... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you're right.

- Frank Zappa99

◆ Now, this is where I draw the line! It's bad enough everybody in town's going to be thinkin' I'm sleeping with a depressed, lice-ridden, hemorrhoidal foreigner who likes to be tied up and might be pregnant, although-since she's just about cornered the market on condoms-I don't know how that could have happened. But I will not-you listen to me, Emma!-I absolutely will not have anybody thinkin' a woman of mine needs a vaginal moisturizer, do you hear me?

- Susan Elizabeth Phillips99

◆ Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

- Brett Tate99

◆ Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

- Bill Hicks99

◆ I'm not aspiring to be someone else – If I'm me for the rest of my life then so be it

- Terry Lander99

◆ I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

- Margaret Cho99

◆ There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world.

- Hillary DePiano99

◆ You think I'm deranged! How refreshing. Everyone here takes me so seriously, it's a wonderful change to be thought mentally deficient.

- Katie MacAlister99

◆ What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

- Brandon Mull99

◆ You see, the way my bank account is set up...

- Kevin Hart99