Comedy sayings

Page 2

◆ Its crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' ITS A FUNERAL MAN!

- Chris Tucker99

◆ We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f*cking lactose intolerance?!

- Chris Rock99

◆ Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting f*cked.

- David Mamet99

◆ I can't cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

- Carol Siskind99

◆ Somebody come here and look at this...look at this...God damn cat drinking milk out the bowl. GET OUT THE BOWL!

- Kevin Hart99

◆ My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.

- Bo Burnham99

◆ Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

- Johnny Carson99

◆ I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

- Mitch Hedberg99

◆ I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

- Jerry Seinfield99

◆ Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'

- Mitch Hedberg99

◆ My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

- Jerry Seinfeld99

◆ A mind is like a parachute. If it doesn't open, you're fucked!

- Don Williams Jr99

◆ So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the riots... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ...Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England, 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' ...Wooooo. 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! ...What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. (to the tune of "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who) No one knows what it's like... to be a dustbin... in Shafsbry... with hooligans...' What the HELL are you talkin' ab

- Bill Hicks99

◆ Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

- Robin Williams99

◆ I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

- Dylan Moran99