Comedy quotes

Page 1

◆ Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

- Dr. Seuss100

◆ The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd, is the day we find out who his true fans are.

- Kevin Hart100

◆ There's more truth in comedy than in tragedy.

- Vanna Bonta99

◆ Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!

- Christopher Titus99

◆ When will you Australians learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better! The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".

- Homer Simpson99

◆ Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "Uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be...fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha HA.

- Bill Hicks99

◆ I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

- Mitch Hedberg99

◆ You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

- Bill Hicks99

◆ I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

- Mitch Hedberg99

◆ Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework

- Bill Cosby99

◆ See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

- Robin Williams99

◆ Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get to work with so many different people who come in to host the show and you get thrown into so many situations and learn how to think on your feet, so filmmaking actually feels slow, in a good way.

- Will Ferrell99

◆ I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

- Mitch Hedberg99

◆ Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

- Bill Cosby99

◆ It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stuff I like to do that makes you giggle inside.

- Chris Tucker99