Hilarious quotes

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◆ Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you?

- Jennifer L. Armentrout100

◆ Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

- Chuck Palahniuk99

◆ I was like, 'Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants.

- Evanescence99

◆ I just want to conquer people and their souls.

- Mike Tyson99

◆ I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

- Dave Matthes99

◆ Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it.

- Rory Freedman99

◆ Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

- John Oliver99

◆ Roz to Amelia (the house ghost): How considerate of you, after trying to kill me, to see that I don't catch a cold.

- Nora Roberts99

◆ What are you doing sister? / Killing swine.

- William Shakespeare99

◆ It wasn't enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

- Weston Locher99

◆ He even dressed up for you. He only has one stain on his t-shirt.- Rylie Cruz

- Rose Pressey99

◆ Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

- George R.R. Martin99

◆ Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--

- David Nicholls99

◆ i love you like a fat kid loves cake!

- Kerry A99

◆ The ship's surgeon was a spotty unshaven little man whose clothes, arrayed with smudges, drippings, and cigarette burns, were held about him by an extensive network of knotted string, The buttons down the front of those duck trousers had originally been made, with all of false economy's ingenious drear deception, of coated cardboard. After many launderings they persisted as a row of gray stumps posted along the gaping portals of his fly. Though a boutoniere sometimes appeared through some vacancy in his shirt-front, its petals, too, proved to be of paper, and he looked like the kind of man who scrapes foam from the top of a glass of beer with the spine of a dirty pocket comb, and cleans his nails at table with the tines of his salad fork, which things, indeed, he did. He diagnosed Camilla's difficulty as indigestion, and locked himself in his cabin. that was the morning.

- William Gaddis99