New year funny quotes

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◆ Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did this year.

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◆ This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father!

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◆ I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.

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◆ It may be the antidepressants talking, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.

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◆ Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy.

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◆ My resolution is to spend less time working which means you'll have to work more.

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◆ My excuses for already failing my New Year's resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.

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◆ Wishing you even a minuscule percentage of the wealth and attention that will be showered upon the Kardashian fetus in 2013.

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◆ My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.

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◆ For my new year's resolution, I promise to stop correcting your terrible spelling and focus more on your horrific grammar.

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◆ I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

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◆ Gaining 20 lbs over the holidays makes your New Year's resolution of losing 10 less impressive.

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◆ Sorry you're finally mature enough to just want a quiet evening with friends on New Year's Eve.

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◆ I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.

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◆ The only thing I gained from 2012 was weight.

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